The lows of being a single mother.

Sometimes I handle being a single mother very well. I like to think that over these past five and a half months I've held it together fairly well, and I owe much of that to my mom who keeps me from totally losing it. Everyone knows that sometimes the baby drives me crazy, when he's having bad days it in turn makes me have bad days. I think that it would be much easier if I didn't have a baby with someone I was in love with, someone I imagined a future with. It's hard to see things like a home, a happy family, and maybe even marriage in your mind then have that person just check out and stop talking to you. I don't know if that's common behavior. It was for him. Too many times he just threw his hands up and quit. He never cared about me. That is a big reason why I get sad sometimes. I see other dads with their babies and partners and they're happy, at least most of the time. And here I am. Just me. My baby makes me happy, but there is an emptiness where those promises sat. Healing a broken heart is such a long, gruelling process. Someday I'll find someone who loves me and Oliver and can give us some of those things we dreamt of. But I'm going to get a head start and do some of it myself.

He has my eyes. It's amazing. Steely blue with a ring of yellow around his pupils. They're almost exactly like mine. His smile is kind of like mine too. He has a tiny dimple forming exactly where my dimple is. Little things like this make me so happy inside. Little things like this remind me just how special what he and I have is. He doesn't love anyone in the world the way that he loves me, and they same is true for the way I love him. No one in the world could ever love him more than I do. Lately I've just been so in awe over that.

The Day My Life Began

I found out I was pregnant with my son a little over a year ago. I'm going to skip all the difficult parts, the fights with his father, the nights I felt like I was making the completely wrong decision, the months upon months that I was so sick that I collapsed a handful of times, the insecurity and doubt. I felt his first kick at midnight on January 1st. I was feeling extra lonely that night, having been the first New Year in 24 years that I spent alone. I felt his little foot kick me at exactly 12:00 and it was such a magical experience for me. I'd felt little pops and bubbles but nothing that really felt like there was a living being inside my body.

He was born June 2, 2013. Labor was difficult, childbirth was wild. I know that it hurt like nothing I've ever felt in my life. I remember being in such incredible pain and I felt so defeated during the hours before he arrived, but the only thing I remember clearly is the nurse saying, "Look, his head is out, grab your baby!" I looked down and there he was, his little face. I pulled him out of my body and onto my chest. That's where my life began.

Being a single mother is the single most challenging thing I've ever experienced in my life. There have been so many times that I have had to ask myself why I wasn't good enough and why Oliver's father doesn't feel more sad about all of the wonderful things he's missing. Sometimes I let the sadness leak in, but then comes the beauty of being a single mother. I see everything. I've never had to receive a text message saying that Oliver has learned something new. I have seen the first smile, the first time he rolled over (albeit out of the corner of my eye, but I still saw it), the first laugh, first raspberries, I've seen the joy on his face when I find something he really likes. Sitting here and listening to him shriek with laughter over some unknown source is one of the best things in the world. Every morning I wake up to his sweet little face and he smiles and coos at me. It's not all sunshine and butterflies, although I wish it were, but even on my worst days with him I wouldn't ever trade it for anything in the world. I will take every challenge we are faced with head on. Forget having a partner, forget having a "daddy" for my son. That is not the important thing. This is about my journey with Oliver. Whoever else wants to join us is welcome, there is plenty of room for love in our hearts, but for right now it's all about him.