The Day My Life Began

I found out I was pregnant with my son a little over a year ago. I'm going to skip all the difficult parts, the fights with his father, the nights I felt like I was making the completely wrong decision, the months upon months that I was so sick that I collapsed a handful of times, the insecurity and doubt. I felt his first kick at midnight on January 1st. I was feeling extra lonely that night, having been the first New Year in 24 years that I spent alone. I felt his little foot kick me at exactly 12:00 and it was such a magical experience for me. I'd felt little pops and bubbles but nothing that really felt like there was a living being inside my body.

He was born June 2, 2013. Labor was difficult, childbirth was wild. I know that it hurt like nothing I've ever felt in my life. I remember being in such incredible pain and I felt so defeated during the hours before he arrived, but the only thing I remember clearly is the nurse saying, "Look, his head is out, grab your baby!" I looked down and there he was, his little face. I pulled him out of my body and onto my chest. That's where my life began.

Being a single mother is the single most challenging thing I've ever experienced in my life. There have been so many times that I have had to ask myself why I wasn't good enough and why Oliver's father doesn't feel more sad about all of the wonderful things he's missing. Sometimes I let the sadness leak in, but then comes the beauty of being a single mother. I see everything. I've never had to receive a text message saying that Oliver has learned something new. I have seen the first smile, the first time he rolled over (albeit out of the corner of my eye, but I still saw it), the first laugh, first raspberries, I've seen the joy on his face when I find something he really likes. Sitting here and listening to him shriek with laughter over some unknown source is one of the best things in the world. Every morning I wake up to his sweet little face and he smiles and coos at me. It's not all sunshine and butterflies, although I wish it were, but even on my worst days with him I wouldn't ever trade it for anything in the world. I will take every challenge we are faced with head on. Forget having a partner, forget having a "daddy" for my son. That is not the important thing. This is about my journey with Oliver. Whoever else wants to join us is welcome, there is plenty of room for love in our hearts, but for right now it's all about him.